Mum and son publish memoir to humanise the journey of trans people
By: Communications
Ahead of World Book Day 2025, we spoke to Leo Telford, a Sociology student at UEA and his Mum, Gemma about their book, Between : A Memoir on Gender Transition by a Mother and Her Trans Son, which was published earlier this year.
Between offers both your and your mum’s perspectives. What inspired you to write this book together?
L: “I actually had the idea for the book when I was still quite young. It was probably three or four years after I came out, so I was only 14 or 15. Information for families who were going through what we went through was limited and we felt, even though our story hadn’t been smooth sailing and plenty of bits were very difficult, that it was important to put a story like that out there for other people to realise they aren’t alone in the difficult moments and processes. I think it’s important for both trans kids and the parents of trans kids to see each other’s perspectives because it can be so difficult to understand someone else’s struggle. I think we really wanted to help people know that they’re going to get through this, one way or another.”
Identity is at the heart of your book. How do you hope your book contributes to the broader conversation on gender and acceptance?
L: “One audience we obviously wanted the book to reach was people in the same or similar scenarios. For parents or families that have had someone come out, for trans kids who are going through this sort of thing, or just queer kids in general. The other group I really wanted to reach was people who don’t feel they’re educated on trans issues or understand the experience of trans people, especially if they don’t know trans people personally.
With the stories you see on the news, especially those with a right-wing twist, I think it's very easy to build up an image of trans people that that can be quite scary and misinformed. I really wanted our book to sort of humanise the experiences of trans people. We're spoken about as the sort of beings who come around and invade toilets and sports, and I think that people aren't made to, or don't think about, the difficult things in our lives. Our book has a lot of stuff that people can relate to, whether they're trans or not, just because they're a parent or a person and they've gone through things in life,
I really hope the book helps people to understand not only what trans people are, but some of the things that we might encounter and go through in life. As well as the process of accepting them, because obviously the book follows, my mum and family's acceptance of me and that process. It can also help people to accept trans people generally, especially if they feel that they're not informed about them.”
How did the process of co-writing the memoir with Leo shape your understanding of each other’s experiences?
G: “Actually, I think it really helped us both understand each other better. Obviously at the time, we did speak a lot, and openly about how we were both feeling. But when writing the book we were coming at our experiences with the benefit of distance, and hindsight, and also just knowing that we’d come through it!
There were definitely things we both wrote about that were new to us though – for me there was quite a lot of sadness understanding more from Leo’s point of view about how he was feeling at the time, because back then I was often struggling with my own experiences and feelings. I think it helped us both view what we went through with more understanding and compassion for the other person.”
What was your process for getting a publisher?
L: “We already had the idea for the book and then my mum's friend, who is an author, gave us this book of all the publishers in the UK. At this point, we're writing the proposal, so we haven't actually got the manuscript. The first proposal consisted of what the book was going to be about and the first three chapters. We applied to a lot of places but, because we're both first time authors, we were turned down. They just weren't interested, which is understandable. When we found our publisher, Trigger, I would say it had been a couple of months of applying to places. Luckily, with the resources and my mum's author friend, it wasn't as difficult as it could have been. We were really lucky to find a publisher when we did.
How did it feel when you got that yes?
L: “It was quite surreal. We’d been thinking about it for years and years, so then it was like ‘okay, now we have a publisher, so we actually have to do the whole thing and think about what that means, what that's going to include’. I was in my first year at UEA already, so I had to write it alongside my degree which was a lot at times. But we were so excited – I just don't think we could really believe it."
Were there any particular experiences at UEA – through your studies, friendships, or student life – that helped inform the themes in your book?
L: “One thing that directly informed something I wrote about was the experience of being ‘stealth’ at university (at first anyway) - meaning that people weren't aware I was trans. I'd opted not to tell my flat mates, and then I told a couple of close friends on my course. It was interesting because when I came out first, I was in secondary school and those things spread like wildfire. The option to be stealth had been stripped away from me consistently, even in sixth form when I’d had a bit more agency.
UEA was the first time I'd entered a space where no one knew me and I felt I had complete control over my identity, and that influenced what’s titled in the book as ‘A note on being stealth'. In the book, I discuss the varying degrees of when I've been allowed that privacy about such a personal element of my life and why it's important. That's definitely something I wanted people to understand. I don't think being stealth or not meaning that people weren't aware I was trans is the type of thing that people who aren't trans ever really consider that people have to make these decisions. For some people, it's not just a decision for privacy, but safety too - I think that was definitely something that was directly informed by the experience of coming to university.”
Having been on this journey with Leo, what would you have wanted to know, as a parent, at the start?
G: “If you mean Leo’s journey of coming out and becoming Leo, I think I would have just wanted to know that we would get through it, honestly! At times I really couldn’t see a way forwards. I couldn’t see a time when it wouldn’t hurt, when conversations wouldn’t be difficult, and when Leo would be himself, and happy.
If you mean the journey of writing a book with Leo I don’t think there’s anything I would have really wanted to know. We kind of found our way around the process with some help from friends and a lot of hard work. I think the way we wrote the book worked really well for us. There was not much pressure on us; we wrote individually in our own time and took time to read and comment about what the other person had written when we could. It worked really well. Finding an agent and a publisher was really hard though and quite dispiriting at times. I guess it would have been handy to know at the beginning that we would get there!”
Has your relationship with Leo changed since writing the book together?
G: “No. I think we have always been very close. The book was another link in that chain and an incredible experience to share with Leo. I feel so proud of him and being able to write it with him was very special. In some ways for me at least it did mark a weird kind of separation – he is his own man in the world now and less reliant on me. But it’s a growing up rather than a growing apart.”
Now the book has been published, have you received any feedback from it that has particularly stuck with you?
L: "About a week after the book came out, I went home to Bedford to do what was meant to be a ‘book launch’ with lots of family and friends. It was actually quite overwhelming, but also amazing. To speak to people that had read it, felt very strongly about it, felt they were better off for reading it and knew a lot more because of it – it validated all the reasons we wanted to write it and what we wanted to get out of it.
At my workplace back home, I was stealth for the majority of my time there. There were plenty of people that didn't know about me. Upon the book coming out, I've had people that I've never had discussions about my transness with sending me incredible messages – saying they thought it was amazing, honest, and they’ve learnt so much from it.
It's not only helped people feel better informed, but they've also enjoyed reading it - that is the main thing. I've had messages from people I wasn't expecting to hear from about the book and it's all been incredibly positive."
What do you hope readers, especially parents, take away from your story?
G: “I really hope that readers come away with a better understanding of what it means to be trans and how bloody hard it is in today’s word with all the misinformation and vitriol. I hope it will make people think twice about any beliefs they may have taken on board from the distorted view that’s frequently presented in the press and realise that trans people are having to face intensely difficult, person stuff often in an intensely public way. I hope it helps people to judge less, understand more and be more compassionate.
I hope for parents who might be going through a similar journey, or even a parallel one of just a difficult time in their relationship with their child, that they can take hope from our story. That they realise that despite mistakes and missteps, if love is there, and openness, you can get through anything. And that your kids are more amazing, more forgiving and more wonderful than maybe you even realised.”